


(1) New Message

by theworstwolves



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Polyamory, Slice of Life, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworstwolves/pseuds/theworstwolves
Summary: Eric Bittle changed the name of group to “My Boys <3" 
 My 'Swawesome Santa gift for vicewithavice who asked 'What would the PBJ Group Chat look like?'





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vicewithavice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicewithavice/gifts).



> This was such huge fun to write (!!!) so thanks first to vicewithavice for the prompt! I had intend to just have a few texts in a longer fic but this thing just ran away with me. I also need to thank both [ scarietwltch ](http://scarietwltch.tumblr.com/) and [ camilliar ](http://camilliar.tumblr.com/) for help and advice with writing Jewish Jack. And, of course, huge huge thanks to [ omgpbandj ](http://omgpbandj.tumblr.com/) for being an amazing beta reader - even after this fic well exceeded my word count estimate - and for teaching me how fantastic this ship was in the first place. 
> 
> There are a few things we're being lenient with for this fic:  
> 1\. How time zones work (or maybe they just all sleep with their phones on loud and are willing to text at all hours)  
> 2\. When the 2017 NHL season ends. Apparently playoffs start on the 12th April in 2017 but that wouldn’t fit dammit so we’re pushing it to May.  
> Please suspend reality for this au based on a fictional webcomic.
> 
> AND FINALLY, I was super ambitious with my use of emojis and unfortunately not at all technically aware so this is the emoji light version, if at all possible I would much prefer if you read the fic[ here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PgcRFSpZSUkmrXxKdlCIB1adwDUf2noKvsz_wUW8FiE/edit?usp=sharing) because else you miss out on discussions of sex faces, misappropriation of the aubergine emoji, some cute festive group names, and generally solid content. Seriously, you lose like 500 words.

**18** **th** **February 2017**

  _Jack Zimmermann created group “Jack’s Bitches”_

_Jack Zimmermann added Eric Bittle_

_Jack Zimmermann added Kent Parson_

Bitty [10:42 am]: Jack’s Bitches? Really???

Jack [10: 43 am]: Oh, sorry. Shitty helped me make the group.

Jack [10:43 am]: He said it was ‘a satiric comment on the traditionally misogynist world of sport that you inhabit’

Jack [10:43 am]: and ‘hilar, ‘cause you’re wheeling dudes’

Jack [10:44 am]: I’ll change it.

_Jack Zimmermann changed name of group to “Kenny, Jack, Bittle”_

 

Kent [10: 50 am]: it’s that kind of creativity that makes him such a strategic hockey player. what a mind.

 

 _Eric Bittle changed the name of group to “My Boys <3 _ _”_

 

Bitty [10:54 am]: Though honestly sometimes I have no idea why

Bitty [10:55 am]: Actually I can’t even pretend that I’m questioning my life choices rn

Bitty [10:55 am]: Last weekend was great!

Kent [10: 57 am]: it really was

Jack [10: 59 am]: Funny how things work out, eh?

Bitty [11:01 am]: Jack’s saying that like he didn’t spend the two weeks before you came to visit freaking the hell out

Jack [11:03 am]: I wasn’t freaking out.

Jack [11:03 am]: I may have been voicing one or two valid concerns.

Bitty [11:04 am]: ‘Babe, it’s not going to screw things up if we try and bone my ex right?’

Kent [11:05 am]: i really hope he put it exactly like that, so romantic

Kent [11:05 am]: your seduction plan was pretty solid though so maybe freaking out wasn’t so bad

Bitty [11:06 am]: Sweetheart, we really didn’t have a plan, we’re just happy it worked out

Bitty [11:06 am]: x

Jack [11:06 am]: We really are.

Kent [11:08 am] yeah me too :)

 

 **21** **st** **February 2017**

Kent [8:17 pm]: did my doorman just hand me a box full of jam????

Jack [8:32 pm]: Oh, that means Bittle’s getting serious.

Jack [8:32 pm]: Some men send flowers, Bittle sends jam.

Bitty [8:45 pm]: It was the only thing I could think of that would survive the journey

Bitty [8:46 pm]: And I didn’t know what flavour was your favourite

Bitty [8:46 pm]: So I thought that I’d just send you them all

Kent [8:59 pm]: that’s … really sweet

Kent [9:00 pm]: weird af

Kent [9:00 pm]: but super sweet

Bitty [9:07 pm]: Let me know which one you like the best!!!

Bitty [9:07 pm]: So I can make it for you again

Bitty [9:08 pm]: But also for science/debate reasons

Kent [9:15 pm]: people debate about jam??

Bitty [9:17 pm]: Oh honey

Bitty [9:17 pm] I forget how much I need to catch you up on

Jack [9:17 pm] I’m turning my notifications off.

 

 **24** **th** **February 2017**

Kent [1:12 pm] omg raspberry

Kent [1:12 pm] i haven’t tried them all yet but can they be better than that???

Jack [1:32 pm] Yes.

 

 **27th** **February 2017**

Kent [1:13 pm] holy fuck cherry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **3** **rd March 2017** ****

Bitty [10:45 pm]: hyppotehtically, would three-way sexting work?  
  
Kent [10:51 pm]: hyppotehtically?  
  
Bitty [10:52 pm]: That’s what you’ve decided to focus on outofthat sentence????

Jack [10:55 pm]: Bittle, are you drunk?

Bitty [10:57 pm]: Neither of you are focusingon what’s important hereeeee!

Bitty [10:57 pm]: Whats important here is sexting!!!!!!!!

Kent [10:59 pm]: i feel like that would take coordination, don’t think you can deal with that right now bitty

Kent [11:00 pm]: skypes a thing though

Jack [11:01 pm]: Yes, I’ve heard skype is very good for things like that.

Bitty [11:03 pm]: Yes, YES

Bitty [11:04 pm]: You’re both free right????

Jack [11:04 pm]: I have nothing on right now.

Kent [11:05 pm]: yeah i think i can find the time

Kent [11:06 pm]: you’ll have nothing on in a second jack ;)

Jack [11:06 pm]: Oh, I’ve suddenly changed my mind.

Bitty [11:07 pm]: Noooooooo

Bitty [11:07 pm]: Ignore him!! He’s not funny.

Kent [11:08 pm]: i’ve changed my mind too

Bitty [11:10 pm]: :'( :'( :'( 

Jack [11:11 pm]: I’m logging on now. Kent?

Kent [11:12 pm]: same, see you soon…

Bitty [11:13 pm]: (: (: (:

 

 **4** **th** **March 2017**

Jack [7:02 am]: How is your head Bittle?

Bitty [10:23 am]: urgghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

 **7** **th** **March 2017**

Kent [4:46 pm]: we’re playing the bruins away in two weeks, you guys free for me to visit?

Jack [4:50 pm]: I’ll be in Chicago.

Kent [4:53 pm]: oh, that’s cool. another time then.

Bitty [5:15 pm]: I’ll be here :)

Bitty [5:15 pm]: Or at least I’ll be at Samwell, but I’m sure Jack won’t mind us staying at his, right sweetheart?

Bitty [5:16 pm]: Unless you have some super fancy Captain’s hotel room in Boston and I could come there?

Jack [5:17 pm]: You know you can stay whenever you want.

Bitty [5:18 pm] Unless you don’t want to come visit when Jack isn’t here…

Kent [5:20 pm]: no!

Kent [5:20 pm]: or yes, i mean. i do want to see you bitty. i just didn’t know i could…

Bitty [5:25 pm]: Oh darlin’, did we not make that obvious?

Bitty [5:26 pm]: This isn’t just meandJack and you

Bitty [5:26 pm]: This is me, and Jack, and you

Bitty [5:27 pm]: And until now it’s been meandJack because we actually live in the same part of the country, and then meandyouandJack when you’re here but that’s just the way things have worked out so far

Jack [5:30 pm]: It could easily be you and Bits.

Jack [5:35 pm]: Or me and you, Kenny.

Jack [5:35 pm] If you want that.

Kent [5:47 pm]: jesus

Kent [5:47 pm]: for some reason that didn’t even occur to me. i guess I just thought you two were looking for, i don’t know what I thought.

Kent [5:48 pm]: but yes, i want that!

Bitty [4:50 pm]: :D :D :D

Jack [4:53 pm]: That’s really good to hear.

Kent [4:59 pm]: i’ll be in on the 23rd, let me know what time you want picking up from the station yeah bitty?

 

 **24** **th** **March 2017**

Kent [10:39 pm]: zimms your boy is blowing my mind

Jack [10:40 pm]: He’s your boy too Kenny.

Bitty [11:03 pm]: It only works when I call people that and you both know it!

 

 **28** **th** **March 2017**

Bitty [6:47 pm]: I saw your tweets Kent

Bitty [6:47 pm]: and I’m taking pity on you because they’re a little pathetic

Bitty [6:48 pm]: Say Happy Birthday to your cat from me

Kent [7:00 pm]: to who?

Bitty [7:06 pm]: Lord!

Bitty [7:07 pm]: … say Happy Birthday to Kit Purrson from me

Kent [7:10 pm]: :D

Kent [7:11 pm]: jack?

Jack [7:15 pm]: No.

Kent [7:16 pm]: D:

Jack: [7:17 pm]: I’m not wishing your cat happy birthday.

Kent [7:19 pm]: why not?

Jack [7:21 pm]: Because cats don’t understand the concept of birthdays.

Jack [7:22 pm]: And it’s not even her birthday, it’s the day you adopted her.

Kent [7:25 pm]: j-z quick with the cat facts

Kent [7:25 pm]: true boyfriend material

Bitty [7:26 pm]: You’ve gone and revealed how deep you’re in this there sweetheart

Jack [7:30 pm]: I’m still not saying happy birthday to a cat!

 

 **4** **th** **April 2017**

Bitty [10:56 am]: I miss you guys.

Jack [9:34 pm]: Yeah, you too Bittle.

 

 **6** **th** **April 2017**

Kent [1:45 pm]: i just ate a really disappointing apple pie

Kent [1:45 pm]: you’ve official ruined coffee shops for me bits

Bitty [6:03 pm]: It’s one of my many talents.

 

 **9** **th** **April 2017**

Jack [11:02 pm]: How are you guys doing?

 

 **10** **th** **April 2017**

Bitty [10:35 am]: Sorry I didn’t reply last night Sweetheart.

Bitty [10:35 am]: I hope you don’t feel too bad after that game.

Bitty [10:35 am]:I’ll try and call you when I’ve finished class.

 

 **12** **th** **April 2017**

Jack [2:34 pm]: We need to talk.

Bitty [4:02 pm]: Lord Jack! You can’t just say we need to talk and not follow up!

Jack [4:03 pm]: I just mean we need to talk.

Jack [4:04 pm]: I’ll be on this bus for another few hours so I won’t be able to skype so I thought here would be good.

Bitty [4:08 pm]: Okay Sweetheart.

Bitty [4:09 pm]: I agree with you

Bitty [4:09 pm]: There is some stuff we need to talk about

Bitty [4:10 pm]: The three of us.

Jack [4:11 pm]: I know this chat isn’t ideal but it’s the best we’ve got right now.

Bitty [4:12 pm]: Yeah, at least we can all see what’s being said here.

Bitty [4:12 pm]: Get everything out that needs to be said.

Bitty [4:32 pm]: Kent Parson I can see those two blue ticks!

Bitty [4:37 pm]: Jesus!

Kent [5:11 pm] ok, that might have been a little childish

Bitty [5:12 pm]: A little??

Kent [5:14 pm]: if you’re going to be sarcastic you can fuck off

Bitty [5:15 pm]: If you’re going to tell me to fuck off you can fuck off!

Kent [5:17 pm]: wow eric, really mature

Bitty [5:18 pm] Says the man who ghosted us for the past three hours.

Kent [5:20 pm]: i’m sorry i have better things to do constantly check my phone

Bitty [5:22 pm]: Check your phone and ignore your messages!

_Jack Zimmermann has left the group_

 

 

 **13** **th** **April 2017**

_Eric Bittle added Jack Zimmermann to group_

Bitty [1:47 am]: Okay. We’ve sorted the tangential argument we started.

Bitty [1:48 am]: Now we can focus on the original argument.

Kent [1:52 am]: sorry zimms.

Jack [1:59 am]: There wasn’t even an original argument

Jack [2:00 am]: Not really

Jack [2:01 am]: Just an acknowledgment that things aren’t going great at the moment.

Kent [2:07 am]: it’s hard not seeing each other

Kent [2:08 am]: i mean you guys have hardly seen each other all month and you live so close

Kent [2:08 am]: i don’t stand a chance

Bitty [2:10 am]: Which is why we need to make an effort to talk. Even if it’s on something shitty like this.

Jack [2:11 am]: We’ll skype in the morning yeah?

Kent [2:15 am]: yeah, ok. goodnight.

Kent [11:19 am]: ok, i have three days free next week. you guys around?

Bitty [11:34 am]: Is three days enough to justify flying across the country for?

Kent [11:37 am]: you’re enough to justify flying across the country for

Kent [11:38 am]: figured i couldn’t complain about not seeing you and do nothing about it so i’m coming down

Jack [11:46 am]: That sounds great Kenny.

Jack [11:46 am]: We’ll do something special

Bitty [3:02 pm]: There’s going to be a kegster… I may have mentioned you guys were coming down and things kind of spiralled

Bitty [3:02 pm]: I hope that’s okay

Kent [3:07 pm]: yeah, that’ll be so great

Kent [3:08 pm]: i am amazing at parties...

Jack [3:14 pm]: People loved you at the last kegster you came to!

Kent [3:24 pm]: just not the people who mattered

Bitty [3:37 pm]: Well we were stupid

Bitty [3:38 pm]: We’ll make it up to you at this one.

 

 

 **21** **st** **April 2017**

Kent [12:43 pm]: you know if i'm coming to samwell you really should let me suck you off against your bedroom door jack

Kent [12:34 pm]: as you rudely denied me last time

Jack [12:47 pm]: It's Chowder's room now...

Bitty [12:53 pm]: We're not having sex in Chowder's room!

Jack [12:54 pm]: It was my room first...

Bitty [12:57 pm]: Jack!

Bitty [12:58 pm]: Kent can suck you off against my door

Kent [1:02 pm]: ;) ;) ;) 

Kent [1:02 pm]: jacks picking me up from the airport around 6 we're getting food and we'll be at the house by 9

Jack [1:06 pm]: * haus

Kent [10:57 pm]: chowder just told me he's going to a farm (????) so i can take his room tonight

Kent [10:57 pm]: you know what this means?

Kent [10:58 pm]: apart from the fact that we're apparently being more subtle about this than we thought

Kent [10:59 pm]: bjs in jacks room are back on

Bitty [11:00 pm]: No.

Bitty [11:00 pm]: Poor Chowder.

Jack [11:13 pm]: You don't have to be involved if you don't want to Bittle.

Kent [11:32 pm]: yeah i’m sure we can entertain ourselves

 

 **22** **nd** **April 2017**

Kent [9:17 am]: bittyyyyy, come back to bed

Bitty [9:31 am]: I'm making cookies for Chowder

Bitty [9:32 am]: He won't be back from Farmer’s much before noon, that gives you guys loads of time to get his sheets washed.

Bitty [9:32 am]: That poor boy does not deserve to be traumatised by this

Kent [9:35 am]: that toy shark has seen some things

Jack [9:36 am]: Don’t worry, he won’t tell.

 

 

 **25** **th** **April 2017**

Kent [10:11 pm]: this weekend was fantastic!

Kent [10:12 pm]: i had such a great time

Kent [10:12 pm]: i love you guys

Kent [10:15 pm]: fuck

Kent [10:15 pm]: i mean it was fun yeah?

Kent [10:16 pm]: oh fuck it

Kent [10:16 pm]: i do love you

Kent [10:17 pm]: both of you

Kent [10:20 pm]: i hope that’s okay.

Jack [10:46 pm]: And you couldn’t have said that when we were all in the same state?

Kent [10:47 pm]: nah, that would have been way too smooth

Bitty [10:50 pm]: Jack, be nice!

Bitty [10:50 pm]: And of course that’s alright Kent honey.

Bitty [10:50 pm]: I wanna wait so I can say it back to your face, if that’s okay?

Kent [10:51 pm]: course that’s ok, that’s how i’d planned on saying it

Kent [10:51 pm]: just didn’t happen that way

Jack [10:54 pm]: Well this is awkward

Jack [10:54 pm]: You’re a great guy and all Parse, I just don’t know if you’re really my type.

Bitty [10:55 pm]: Stop it!

Jack [10:56 pm]: Eh, I guess you’re all right…

Bitty [10:56 pm]: Jack!

Jack [10:57 pm]: Ugh alright.

Jack [10:57 pm]: You know that you’re a pretty big deal, right Kenny?

Kent [10:58 pm]: yeah, i’m starting to see that

 

 **1st** **May 2017**

Bitty [11:32 pm]: That game was so great to watch boys!

Bitty [11:32 pm]: Honestly, hockey doesn’t get any better than that.

Bitty [11:32 pm]: Though I hate watching you get checked so hard.

Bitty [11:33 pm]: Enjoy your time together

Bitty [11:33 pm]: Don’t have too much fun without me.

 

 **2** **nd** **May 2017**

Jack [7:05 am]: Kenny! Where are you?

Jack [7:05 am]: Your cat keeps meowing and I don’t know what to do to make her stop.

Jack [7:05 am]: And you really need to get better curtains

Jack [7:06 am]: the light through your window is way too bright.

Kent [7:10 am]: omg this is perfect

Kent [7:10 am]: bitty, you better be awake for this

Bitty [7:12 am]: I’m right here with you!

Kent [7:13 am]: jack, you really ought to -

Kent [7:13 am]: SHUT UP AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH THIS

Bitty [7:13 am]: THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR WAKING UP IN VEGAS

Kent [7:13 am]: GET UP AND SHAKE THE GLITTER OFF YOUR CLOTHES NOW

Bitty [7:14 am]: THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR WAKING UP IN VEGAS

Jack [7:14 am]: What glitter?

Jack [7:15 am]: What’s going on!?

Jack [7:15 am]: Kent, do I need to feed your cat?

Kent [7:16 am]: :'D :'D :'D

Bitty [7:17 am]: Oh bless him.

 

 **4** **th** **May 2017**

_Kent changed the name of group to “may the fourth be with you”_

Bitty [7:45 am]: GET OUT!

 

 

 **5** **th** **May 2017**

Jack [6:04 am]: Happy Birthday Bittle!

Jack [6:04 am]: I’m sorry I couldn’t be there this year.

Kent [7:02 am]: yeah bitty, have a great day. didn’t want to be missing it.

Bitty [9:07 am]: Thanks guys!!!

Bitty [9:07 am]: I get that you’re both super busy.

Bitty [9:09 am]: I’ve gotta get to class anyways. You’re not missing out on much.

Jack [1:15 pm]: Still, let us know about your day when you get a chance yeah?

Bitty [6:45 pm]: The boys are taking me to dinner

Bitty [6:45 pm]: And Dex cooked me breakfast this morning!

Bitty [6:46 pm]: And mama called at lunch time

Kent [6:58 pm]: should have known that bitty’s birthday highlights would revolve around meal times

Bitty [7:02 pm]: I don’t even have time to reply to that chirp

Bitty [7:02 pm]: There’s someone knocking at the door and Nursey’s saying no one can answer it but me

Kent [7:03 pm]: maybe it’s a stripper

Jack [7:03 pm]: Yeah, maybe…

Bitty [7:03 pm]: If it’s a stripper I’m locking myself in my room and texting you guys all night.

Bitty [9:45 pm]: Kent! Jack turned up!!

Kent [9:45 pm]: jack was the stripper?

Bitty [9:46 pm]: I don’t know why I keep believing him when he says he’s got no plans for my birthday.

Bitty [9:46 pm]: We’re driving back to his and then we’ll skype you yeah?

Kent [9:47 pm]: i’m looking forward to seeing you guys…

 

 **6** **th** **May 2017**

Bitty [7:32 am]: You don’t get to surprise me and then leave me alone in bed.

Bitty [7:32 am]: I expect to be involved in your post run shower or I’m going back to Samwell.

Jack [7:39 am]: You could have joined us.

Bitty [7:40 am]: Oh haha

 

 **10** **th** **May 2017**

Bitty [12:02 pm]: Sorry it didn’t work out this year boys…

Kent [1:03 pm]: it’s fine. like a chance at the cup is nice but it can’t always happen

Jack [1:13 pm]: It’s only my second season. I have time.

Bitty [1:14 pm]: <3 <3 <3

Kent [1:34 pm]: frees up a load of time to see you guys though !

Jack [1:35 pm]: You’re heading back to New York right?

Kent [1:35 pm]: yeah, fuck vegas in summer

Bitty [1:37 pm]: Roadtrip?

Jack [1:38 pm]: Yeah, we’ll work something out.

Jack [1:39 pm]: You’ll get to meet Kenny’s mom.

Kent [1:42 pm]: so you’ve stopped avoiding her zimms?

Jack [1:43 pm]: I wasn’t avoiding her!

Jack [1:43 pm]: I just know she doesn’t like me.

Kent [1:44 pm]: i’ll tell her to go easy on you

Kent [1:44 pm]: and at least she’s bound to love bitty.

 

 **19** **th** **May 2017**

Kent [5:09 pm]: so, what’s it like having a degree bitty?

Bitty [5:12 pm]: Terrifying!

Bitty [5:12 pm]: You both know that when I get back from Madison you’re like my sugar daddies until I work out what I’m doing with my life

Bitty [5:12 pm]: That’s what mama thinks anyway

Bitty [5:13 pm]: She’s horrified I’m not helping with rent Jack.

Jack [5:20 pm]: There isn’t any rent. I bought it outright.

Bitty [5:23 pm]: Try telling her that!

 

 **25** **th** **May 2017**

Bitty [1:42 pm]: Being gay in the south is exhausting!

Bitty [1:42 pm]: My great aunt wants to know why I haven’t brought my girlfriend down to visit.

Bitty [1:42 pm]: Lord give me the strength not to tell her that my ‘girlfriend’ is actually two male hockey players.

Kent [1:44 pm]: two male hockey players with star personalities and banging bodies

Bitty [1:44 pm]: And I’m suddenly reminded why I keep this relationship secret

Kent [1:45 pm]: you should feel honoured to date me !

Kent [1:45 pm]: honestly though, call if you need to

Kent [1:45 pm]: we both know how much it sucks.

 

 **12** **th** **June 2017**

Jack [3:23 pm]: Is that pickup on my driveway a permanent thing now?

Bitty [3:25 pm]: Yes

Bitty [3:25 pm]: My parents drove it up for me but they’re flying back

Bitty [3:26 pm]: Can’t have you running me everywhere I need to go sweetheart.

Kent [3:37 pm]: bets on for how long it takes jack to crack and get you a proper car

Bitty [3:38 pm]: There’s nothing wrong with my truck!

Jack [3:39 pm]: Bittle we live in a city. You don’t need a truck…

Bitty [3:40 pm]: We first got to third base in that truck

Jack [3:40 pm]: You make a strong point.

 

 **19** **th** **June 2017**

Kent [7:23 pm]: jack, you might want to take a look at bits pinterest

Kent [7:23 pm]: i think he’s gone mad with power

Bitty [7:24 pm]: The boy has a couch, a coffee table, a bed and a wardrobe

Bitty [7:24 pm]: I cannot live like this

Bitty [7:24 pm]: The only thing well done is the kitchen

Jack [7:25 pm]: I felt that I should focus on the kitchen first!

Bitty [7:25 pm]: You were right

Bitty [7:26 pm]: but that’s no excuse for leaving the rest for almost two years

Kent [7:27 pm]: i love the blue bedroom you pinned

Kent [7:28 pm]: you should check it out jack

Jack [7:30 pm]… what’s  pinterest?

Bitty [7:30 pm]: Oh Jack…

 

 **21** **st** **June 2017**

Jack [10:56 am]: Kent!

Jack [10:56 am]: You did not give him your credit card to redo my lounge.

Kent [11:02 am]: no comment

Jack [11:05 am]: What do I do will all these pillows?

Kent [11:06 am]: they’re throw pillows, throw them

Bitty [11:13 am]: Oh, there should be some chairs coming soon, be there to sign for them yeah honey?

Jack [11:15 am]: I hate you both

 

 **4** **th** **July 2017**

Jack [9:05 am]: Isn’t there something happening today?

Jack [9:05 am]: Some important American holiday I’m meant to be paying attention to?

Jack [9:06 am]: I guess it can’t be that important if I can’t remember it.

Bitty [9:08 am]: Ignore him Kent honey.

Bitty [9:08 am]: He thinks he’s funny.

Kent [9:13 am]: that would be more convincing if you hadn’t fast tracked my present

Kent [9:13 am]: x x x 

 

 

 **17** **th** **July 2017**

Kent [6:09 pm]: just got some fancy invite from the beer pong girl

Kent [6:09 pm]: to some art show

Kent [6:09 pm]: it looks legit

Bitty [6:11 pm]: Lardo is a woman of many talents

Jack [6:13 pm]: We’re all going, you should come.

Kent [6:14 pm]: i mean i would, but i’d need to find a place to stay…

Jack [6:16 pm]: I might know a place.

Kent [6:16 pm]: oh yeah where would that be

Jack [6:16 pm]: I mean it might be a bit of a squeeze in the bed…

Bitty [6:17 pm]: Do you two have to do this every time?

Kent [6:20 pm]: not all of us can be as forward as you bitty

Bitty [6:21 pm]: Stop being ridiculous or you’re sleeping on the couch.

Jack [6:22 pm]: Point well proven there Bittle.

 

 **31** **st** **July 2017**

_Kent changed the name of group to “when that hotline bling”_

Jack [2:14 pm]: Very retro.

Kent [2:25 pm]: shut up, it’s a tune

Kent [2:25 pm]: and you probably only heard it for the first time like last month or something

Jack [2:27 pm]: You are aware I used to live in a frat haus right?

Kent [2:30 pm]: you didn’t know waking up in vegas !

Bitty [2:34 pm]: In fairness Katy Perry isn’t really worth paying attention to.

Kent [2:36 pm]: :O

Kent [2:36 pm]: i’ll tell her you said that

Bitty [2:37 pm]: I can never tell if you’re being serious or not when it comes to things like this

Kent [2:38 pm]: cher subtweets me all the time

Jack [2:38 pm]: That I believe

Jack [2:38 pm]: Oh, haha!

Jack [2:39 pm]: Because Cher has a song called believe

 

_Kent changed the name of group to “do you believe in life after love ?”_

 

Bitty [2:39 pm]: This is my life.

Bitty [2:40 pm]: These were my choices.

 

 **3** **rd** **August 2017**

Kent [9:01 am]: ewww zimms is almost thirty

Jack [9:14 am]: I’m 27.

Kent [9:14 am]: old man !

Jack [9:14 am]: You’re only a year younger than me.

Kent [9:15 am]: bitty get out of there before he sucks the youth out of you

Jack [9:15 am]: Well I’m going to be sucking something today…

Bitty [9:37 am]: Kent, don’t expect to hear back from Jack any time soon.

Bitty [9:37 am]: I’ve confiscated his phone

Bitty [9:37 am]: He can’t be trusted with it.

Kent [9:40 am]: honestly though, how much sex are you planning on having today ?

Bitty [9:40 am]: Oh, crazy amounts.

Bitty [9:40 am]: Though we do have to get out of bed at some point because Mr and Mrs Jack’s parents are flying in for lunch

Bitty [9:41 am]: Because that’s apparently that’s what you do when you’re millionaires.

Bitty [2:35 pm]: ‘Eric, I love what you’ve done with the place’.

Kent [2:40 pm]: i hope i got some of the credit !

Bitty [2:41 pm]: Your input didn’t go much further than your credit card number

Kent [2:42 pm]: i bought that lamp too !

Jack [2:45 pm]: My mom really liked that lamp.

Kent [2:45 pm]: jack, you’re allowed to text again

Bitty [2:46 pm]: He worked hard for it

Kent [2:47 pm]: oh i bet that he did

**12** **th** **August 2017**

Jack [3:07 pm]: Ouais Maman.

Kent [3:10 pm]: ahhhh jack texted the wrong chat

Kent [3:10 pm]: amazing

Bitty [3:17 pm]: At least it wasn’t the other way around.

Jack [3:20 pm]: What, like that time you sexted the team Bittle?

Bitty [3:21 pm]: Jack!

Bitty [3:21 pm]: I thought we’d agreed never to talk about that.

Kent [3:22 pm]: talk about it talk about it !!

Jack [3:24 pm]: I think Shitty’s still a little disappointed that it wasn’t his ass you couldn’t wait to get your hands on.

**  
**

**5** **th** **September 2017**

Kent [2:57 am]: ok jack this ones for you

Kent [2:57 am]: there are two cats racing across a river

Kent [2:58 am]: one two three cat

Kent [2:58 am]: and une deux trois cat

Kent [2:58 am]: which ones wins

Jack [3:01 am]: ?

Kent [3:05 am]: one two three cat because une deux trois quatre cinq

Jack [3:06 am]: Oh.

Jack [3:06 am]: HaHa.  
  
Kent [3:09 am]: cats and the french language my two favourite things

Jack [3:11 am]: Two favourite?

Kent [3:12 am]: *two of my favourite things

Jack [3:12 am]: Better.

Bitty [3:14 am]: it’s three in the fuCKING MORNING go the FUCK TO SLEEP

Bitty [3:14 am] : xxx

Kent [3:16 am]: bitty’s unhappy because he doesn’t know enough french to get the joke  
  
Jack [3:17 am]: HaHa!

Jack [3:17 am]: He’s getting better.

Jack [3:18 am]: He might be able to hold a conversation with Marie soon.

Kent [3:20 am] isn’t she three

Jack [3:21 am] Four.

Bitty [3:25 am]: RIGHT, I’M TURNING MY PHONE OFF

Bitty [3:25 am]: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD TO WAKE UP TO THIS  
  
Bitty [3:25 am]: GOODNIGHT

Bitty [3:26 am] xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 **30** **th** **September 2017**

Kent [11:02 pm]: bitty will you still love us when we start dropping weight?

Jack [11:03 pm]: Bitty doesn’t care about weight

Jack [11:03 pm]: It’s muscle

Bitty [11:12 pm]: I am not that shallow!

Bitty [11:12 pm]: I mean you do both look particularly impressive right now

Bitty [11:12 pm]: But stuff like that isn’t important to me.

Jack [11:13 pm]: Kent’s going to be a twig in April.

Kent [11:13 pm]: fuck off

Jack [11:13 pm]: Make the most of it while you can Bittle.

Bitty [11:13 pm]: I like it when you’re kinda skinny

Bitty [11:14 pm]: It’s less intimidating.

Jack [11:14 pm]: Kent’s never intimidating

Kent [11:15 pm]: i swear to god jack the first opportunity i get i am checking you so hard

 

 **9** **th** **October 2017**

Kent [10:03 am]: happy fake thanksgiving jack

 

 **28** **th** **October 2017**

Kent [8:09 pm]: there are tweets about some bunny costume from a few years back but no pictures

Kent [8:09 pm]: don’t make me scroll all the way through your feed to see them

Jack [8:12 pm]: Oh, you missed out Kent!

Kent [8:13 pm]: well i guess i have nothing better to be doing with my evening

Kent [9:23 pm]: ok, so where are the indecent pictures ?

Kent [9:24 pm]: don’t leave me hanging bitty !

Jack [9:30 pm]: I’ll hook you up Kenny.

Bitty [10:47 pm]: I am saddened and disappointed that you’re sharing pictures of me without my consent

Bitty [10:48 pm]: Treating me like a piece of meat

Bitty [10:48 pm]: I was planning on skipping out from this party and showing you this year’s costume but I’ve changed my mind

Kent [11:09 pm]: oh bits, we’re sorry !

Jack [11:12 pm]: Bittle, calling peoples bluff only works when they don’t know how much you want to show off on camera

Bitty [11:20 pm]: Nope, not this year.

Bitty [12:07 pm]: Okay, Chowder’s given me the key to his room because I said I needed to lie down for half an hour

Bitty [12:08 pm]: I hate how predictable I am.

 

 **23** **rd** **November 2017**

Jack [7:54 am]: Happy actual fake thanksgiving

Kent [8:02 am]: have you been sitting on that for over a month ?

Jack [8:03 am]: … no

 

 **25** **th** **November 2017**

_Kent Parson changed name of group to “all i want for xmas is you’_

Bitty [5:47 pm]: It’s November

Jack [5:50 pm]: I’m Jewish.

Kent [5:52 pm]: ok 1. i didn’t say anything about you getting presents and 2. your family  totally does xmas

Jack [5:54 pm]: Only because it’s the only time any of us get to spend together as a family. It’s not real Christmas.

Jack [5:54 pm]: I’m allowed to do Christmas if you do.

Jack [5:54 pm]: You’re as un-religious as they get.

 

_Kent Parson changed the name of group to “all i want for a corporate american holiday is you”_

 

Bitty [5:58 pm]: It’s November!

Jack [6:01 pm]: And I’m Canadian.

 

_Kent Parson changed the name of group to “all i want for this generic winter period is you”_

_Eric Bittle changed the name of group to “IT’S NOVEMBER!”_

 

 **1** **st** **December 2017**

 _Kent Parson changed the name of group to “tis' the season_ _”_

Kent [12:54 am]: is this allowed now bitty

Bitty [9:02 am]: I suppose that it’s allowed.

Jack [9:43 am]: Bittle’s in a mood because I told him he couldn’t make mince pies if he was being a Grinch

Jack [9:44 am]: It’s hypocritical.

Bitty [9:58 am]: How does it feel having a whole hockey team hate you Jack?

Bitty [9:59 am]: Actually two teams. I saw Tater’s tweets. I know he wanted festive bakes.

Kent [10:12 am]: ahhh bitty, i knew you’d be into christmas!

Bitty [10:23 am]: I am! Just not in November.

Bitty [10:23 am]: Anything goes now though!

**2** **nd** **December 2017**

Bitty [9:08 am]: Jack Zimmermann buying me an advent calendar doesn’t count if you keep eating the chocolate before I wake up!

 

 **12** **th** **December 2017**

Bitty [9:02 am]: Happy Chanukah Sweetheart!

Bitty [3:28 pm]: Are you sure that your nutritionist has cleared these?

Bitty [3:29 pm]: There’s an awful lot of oil

Kent [3:34 pm]: omg bits are you making latkes

Kent [3:35 pm]: i can’t believe i’m missing this!

Bitty [3:42 pm]: And doughnuts!

Jack [4:03 pm]: There’s meant to be a lot of oil. That’s the point.

Jack [4:04 pm]: Just maybe don’t tweet about it yeah?

Bitty [4:07 pm]: Jack Zimmermann, you sneaky man.

Jack [4:11 pm]: Chanukah is like an extended cheat day. It’s an unwritten rule.

Bitty [4:13 pm]: Is that the official NHL stance?

Jack [4:32 pm]: Hey, if I don’t get the time off I can at least eat what I like.

Kent [4:38 pm]: you wouldn’t get time off in any job

Jack [4:40 pm]: And when did you become an expert in theology?

  

 **17** **th** **December 2017**

Kent [11:12 pm]: jack that game was amazing

Kent [11:12 pm]: i’m saying this as your boyfriend

Kent [11:13 pm]: the opposing team captain in me thinks you can go fuck yourself

Kent [11:13 pm]: hope that having to work though the holiday doesn’t suck too much

Jack [11:17 pm]: It’s not too bad

Jack [11:18 pm]: Kicking your ass on points is pretty nice.

Kent [11:43 pm]: we’re only halfway through the season. you won’t be for long.

Bitty [12:02 am]: Play nicely boys!

**24** **th** **December 2017**

Bitty [10:57 pm]: Please text me so this thing keeps vibrating

Bitty [10:57 pm]: I’ll never live it down if I fall asleep in church.

Jack [11:03 pm]: Midnight mass with the Bittles, what’s that like?

Bitty [11:07 pm]: Exhausting if you’ve been in the kitchen all day.

 

 **25** **th** **December 2017**

Kent [12:49 pm]: so, zimms, what’s fake xmas with real snow like ?

Jack [12:54 pm]: Beautiful. What’s the New York sludge like?

Kent [12:54 pm]: grey

Kent [12:54 pm] but it’s got a certain kind of charm

Kent [12:55 pm]: how are things in the south bitty ?

Bitty [1:02 pm]: Pretty fantastic.

Bitty [1:02 pm]: But I miss you guys.

Jack [1:05 pm]: I was thinking

Jack [1:05 pm]:  You guys should come here next year.

Jack [1:05 pm]: Providence, not Montreal.

Jack [1:06 pm]: Like it’s okay if you don’t want to since you both actually celebrate Christmas

Jack [1:06 pm]: You’d probably rather be with your families

Jack [1:07 pm] But it would be nice to spend it with you

Jack [1:07 pm]: If you want.

Bitty [1:10 pm]: I can’t think of a better way to spend Christmas sweetheart.

Kent [1:11 pm]: planning ahead jack i like it

Kent [1:11 pm]: yeah i’ll be there

Kent [1:12 pm]: you know you’ve basically given us permission to decorate the shit out of your apartment right?

Jack [1:12 pm]: I think that’s a hardship I’m willing to put up with.

 

 **26** **th** **December 2017**

Kent [10:43 am]: either of you two hanging ?

Bitty [11:44 am]: No

Bitty [11:44 am]: But I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to eat again.

 

 **29** **th** **December 2017**

Kent [6:58 pm]: so i just got tickets to this huge nye party

Kent [6:58 pm]: super exclusive

Kent [6:58 pm]: there’s gunna be a load of real housewives there and at least one kardashian

Kent [6:59 pm]: getting gift bags and all that shit

Kent [6:59 pm]: or i guess we could drink beer on my balcony and watch the fireworks just the three of us

Jack [7:00 pm]: I vote beer.

Bitty [7:02 pm]: Kent would you mind terribly if we didn’t go to that party?

Kent [7:03 pm]: god no it sounds fucking horrible

Bitty [7:03 pm]: You can stretch to Champagne on the balcony though right darling?

Kent [7:04 pm]: i think i can manage that.

 

 **1** **st** **January 2018**

Kent [12:04 am]: my new year’s resolution is to spend more time with you guys

Jack [12:04 am]: Mine’s to finish this Champagne and go to bed…

Jack [12:04 am]: ;) 

Bitty [12:04 am]: Mine’s to not reply to texts from people I’m fucking sitting next to!

Kent [12:05 am]: well you failed that already

 

 **3** **rd** **January 2018**

Bitty [9:58 am]: I need your moms address so I can send her more pie Kent

Jack [10:00 am]: Suck up.

 

 **21** **st** **January 2018**

Bitty [6:36 pm]: I’m looking forward to the game tonight boys

Bitty [6:36 pm]: I want to see good sportsmanship and clean hockey

Bitty [6:37 pm]: … the winner gets fucked into the mattress  

Jack [9:45 pm]: :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 

Kent [9:59 pm]: no way

Kent [10:00 pm]: i’m contesting this !

Kent [10:01 pm]: if we’re going on points i totally won that

Kent [10:01 pm]: jack only got an assist

Kent [10:02 pm]: if you’re going to fuck anyone on that team it should be mashkov by that logic

Bitty [10:05 pm]: No one likes a sore loser honey

Jack [10:07 pm]: You can watch Kenny

Kent [10:12 pm]: might just close my eyes out of spite

Bitty [10:13 pm]: I’m sure we can work that in somehow…

Bitty [10:23 pm]: You guys better hurry up or I’m starting without you.

 

 **9** **th** **February 2018**

Jack [2:47 pm]: You know, this group chat is almost a year old now

Bitty [2:50 pm]: Awww sweetheart

Kent [2:53 pm]: no

Kent [2:53 pm] i’m not celebrating the first time we texted each other

Kent [2:54 pm]: that’s too far

Jack [3:03 pm]: That also means it’s been almost a year since you first came to stay in Providence Kent…

Jack [3:03 pm]: A year since we first fucked.

Kent [3:04 pm]: yeah

Kent [3:03 pm]: about that

Kent [3:03 pm]: as this is an official anniversary can we maybe lie about the dates ?

Jack [3:04 pm]: Why?

Bitty [3:04 pm]: Oh

Bitty [3:05 pm]: Ahaha.

Bitty [3:05 pm]: Kent doesn’t want people to know he put out on Valentine’s Day.

Kent [3:06 pm]: oh shut up

Jack [3:07 pm]: Well I’m glad you did Kent.

Bitty [3:07 pm]: Yep!

Kent [3:08 pm]: ok

Kent [3:09 pm]: i guess as years go it’s been pretty fucking great

Kent [3:09 pm] heres to the next one and all that sentimental crap

Jack [3:10 pm]: I love you Kenny

Bitty [3:10 pm]: Kent sweetheart, I do love you.

Kent [3:11 pm]: what did I say about sentimental crap

Kent [3:11 pm]: love you guys too

Kent [3:11 pm]: a whole fucking lot.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @[lesbianzimmermann](http://lesbianzimmermann.tumblr.com//)


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